I was just considering deleting that last post because well, in a drunk stupor I was little more melodramatic than I would have liked to have been. It’s not that bad people, I swear! Haha. I sound like such a depressing hermit but I assure you life is not that bad. Either way, I was going to delete it and realized that I started this blog with a clean slate because I wanted to keep it as a journal of my life.

As much as it hurts sometimes, honesty prevails.

And I feel like it’s the only thing that keeps me happy. Someone mentioned at a party tonight that I “look the loneliest you’ve ever been”. I find it as a complement sort of. But not really. I don’t know what to do with myself.

These things are awfully eery. My daily horoscope from iGoogle:

“You may feel more withdrawn because you don’t want to waste energy on anything that’s not essential now. Others could see you as impractical, but this isn’t really the truth. It’s just that you aren’t sharing everything, so they don’t know what’s going on inside your head. Don’t worry about what anyone else is thinking. Take care of what you must and get on with what’s most important to you.”

The weeks fly by lately. These past few days of the new semester have been pretty underwhelming, but I do enjoy my classes. Journalism should be interesting since we have to follow AP style (which I know nothing about) and I just realized that my professor for International Marketing is a goofy guy I took in the summer who is pretty damn good at his job. I’m still having trouble getting into a normal sleep pattern and I’m ridiculously unmotivated in the morning. Will have to work on that for sure.

Recent events make me feel like this guide on ‘how to actually win a fist fight‘ may soon come in handy.

I really want to buy a dSLR so I can do some photowalking around the city. Birthday present perhaps? I just need to find some productive things to do to fill the void before, between and after classes.

This has been quite the disjointed ramble. I’m really tired. Goodnight.

Three weeks flew by and I already find myself packing to go back to Philly - work and school. It’s going to be a pretty hectic week as I’m working on getting a NEAT Receipts beta product out to 150 testers and I start classes tomorrow at 1pm.

I enjoyed my time relaxing with old friends and my family. I got to see my niece Lily way too many times (a good thing) and I’m so amazed by how fast she is growing up. As much as I feel hesitant to get back to the city, its just my fear of change and I know I’ll love it once I settle into the daily grind.

Now that I’ll be on a somewhat more regimented daily schedule (ie not drinking all night and sleeping all day) I hope to update this blog more often. I’m going to start carrying my camera with me so I can capture more of my every day life.

Here we go.

• Figure shit out - I need to get motivated, finish school and find a job for my next co-op. My eyes are opening to how soon things are getting real, what with all of my friends graduating this year.
• Save money - The past two years I’ve blown through my income - both from work and my parents. I need to start saving up so that they can finally cut me loose and I can work on saving up to buy a place, renting is such a waste.
• Be more creative - Stress has allowed my mind to be riddled with too many issues to focus on creativity. I want to get serious with my music and write some songs, maybe record some stuff. I feel like wasted talent is a travesty.
• Eat healthy and get in shape - I’m the fattest and slowest I’ve ever been in my entire life. I need to make use of my expensive gym membership. I’ve been eating out way too much and I just want to get down to some healthy, organic grub.
• Make new friends - I don’t know why I get so shy lately, I have very few friends in Philly and I need a support system and people to just generally have fun with.
• Forget the past - What use is dwelling on the bullshit we’ve created for ourselves? I’d rather have friends than enemies and move on.

The best thing is I feel like these are all pretty easy to accomplish if I set my mind to it. To a new year of Ben.

Cheers.

An interesting new year indeed. Still haven’t gotten to the resolutions yet. I’ll do that soon. For now, enjoy this amazing Radiohead webcast from their studio last night:

Already? As usual the year has flown by, but instead of not realizing this until the very last second (11:59PM December 31st) it has come to my attention just now. Why? In the past my winter breaks have been full of adventure, friends, family; nonstop fun. As much as I am not trying to feel sorry for myself or seem like a sad case by saying this, things have really slowed to a crawl lately. I appreciate the time home in the suburbs to relax, but my days have mostly consisted of sleep, putting together a project for work and sitting online. The fact that the majority of my high school friends seem to be in the same rut doesn’t help.

My short term New Year’s resolution? Sort all of this out. I have to filter the bullshit, get my studies on track and forge some new and meaningful relationships. Concerning the latter, I’ve had this resentment for forming bonds lately because I seem to get myself wrapped up in people too easily. Unlike the majority of human beings I meet, I care about others, maybe even sometimes more than myself. It’s just that I feel as if focusing excessively on my own feelings leads down a path to self loathing and self righteousness - two things that are not who I am in the least.

To the person(s) out there reading this that care about me: be there for me and show me that you are. It’s not always so clear.

Ok so that might not be the best way to spell it but deal with it. This is not so much a review of the film, I just wanted to make a note that I finally made it out and saw it and I must admit that I hyped it up way too much. I’ve decided Jason Reitman’s directing just doesn’t do it for me. Even though I disliked Thank You For Smoking I was drawn to Juno as it was toted as the next Little Miss Sunshine (which I love) but Reitman just didn’t cut it. The performances were great though and I think Ellen Page is a cutie. Michael Cera played his typical awkward role and I personally think J.K. Simmons stole the show. I needn’t even mention Jennifer Garner (yawwwn) and Jason Bateman will never be anyone except Michael Bluth to me.

Despite a minor crisis that couldn’t be averted at the theater, it was a good time. What else am I going to do at 11:35 on the night after Christmas? I can at least be thankful that the company was perfect. Now that the holiday pandemonium is over I feel like everyone can get to work putting their lives back together piece by piece. I plan on spending the rest of this week working on my new year’s resolutions.

A lot of things have changed for me in the past few months and I think overall I’ve gained some more insight and focus on the things that lie ahead of me.

Tabula Rasa

I’m starting over completely; I’ve trashed all of my old blog entries and redesigned. I hope that I can use this as a venue to direct my own feelings and creativeness as opposed to linking to a lot of other people’s posts like I did in the past. For my entire life I’ve had this burning fire inside of me just waiting to explode; a feeling I can’t really explain other than I feel like it is a drive to do something incredible. Obviously I always have ideas flying through my head, but now it is time to get motivated and execute. For as long as I’ve remembered, the people I’ve surrounded myself with have caused me to try my hardest to tame the fire - and I’ve been weak enough to give in. Now it’s time to fuel this motherfucker and let it burn.

I’m working on forging new relationships, despite my big mouth I’ve always been way too shy and it is time for new interactions, opinions and personalities in my life. I thrive on social interaction and I’ve shunned it for the past two years, it’s time to get over that.

“Memory does not stamp his own coin.”

To a fresh start.
Cheers.